k before u read this, i should probably warn u this isnt going to be very interesting to u. it will be very long and mundane so..u should maybe consider doing something else. this is just kinda interesting to me so …im just gonna ramble about it. here goes!

so.

it’s been 3 days. 

i have only eaten veggies, fruits, nuts, and seeds. 

rabbit food. 

god, do u know hard it has been? i really don’t think you do. 

i call it a retarded “diet” but really it’s not a diet, it’s simply just retarded. it’s more like torture than anything, haha. why am i even doing this? lol. but in all honesty it has been a really interesting experience. how do people even get thru those 7 day detox diets where they only drink fucking lemonade and cayenne pepper or some stupid thing like that??? crazy. 

first of all, it has been really, really tough. especially when you’re surrounded by freshly baked goodies. especially when you go to a restaurant with your friends and they order shit that you would’ve ordered normally. especially when it’s right there under your nose. you can see it. u can definitely smell it. and it smells great. u can almost taste it! but you cant. it really tests your mental will power. but that has been okay, the mental part. it’s more the physical aspect that is hard. 

i woulda thought it would be ok, and maybe even great eating raw veggies. veggies are delicious! but seriously…even a pinch of salt would help a lot. eating it raw with no seasoning..for a whole entire meal is just brutal man. brutal! 

yeah, i just had the worst lunch today (day 3) out of the three days. like now it’s day 3 and it’s getting real. i havent had anything else for 3 days so my body is like…”oh u really srs about this eh??” i couldnt even get all of it down…my stomach felt weird after…like all cold and begging for some starchy carbs or something. but im pretty sure most of that was in my head.  here’s a picture of my gross salad lol. 

it wouldnt be so bad if it had some dressing. basically it is: mixed greens, tomatoes, cucumber, red and green bell pepper, raspberries, and avocado. the only appealing part of that was the avocado. the rest was just…REAL BAD. lol. ok not thaaat bad but yeah. 

day 2 was the same except no tomatoes and no bell peppers and no cucumber. add in some grapes. it was surprisingly better than day 3’s cuz…i think all that acidity in the tomatoes and peppers didnt sit too well in my stomach.

here’s day 1 lunch: 

it was not as bad, cuz this one had pineapple and grapes. the grapes were the saving grace…because when eaten with the bland and sometimes bitter lettuce, it pops in your mouth and the sweet juice becomes a dressing on its own! so that was good. and the pineapple was super sweet! this was from a salad bar btw. oh and i put a whole fucking avocado on there…however, it was a weird tasting avocado. but it was still good compared to the lettuce.

these salads have all been eating at work. during a 30 minute break. so i really didnt have too much time or effort put into them. and i had to rush thru eating it. so my stomach disagreed most of the time, after eating. like u can literally feel the coldness in ur tummy, cuz everything is so cold! does not feel good! i can totally tell that humans were naturally meant to eat warm things. i love my food warm, which is one reason i didnt like sushi. ive come to love sushi now, but it’s still not my favourite thing ever. i only eat it when i get cravings for it. i prefer my food hot. 

this whole experiment has made me realize u know..how much i take carbs and sugar and all food for granted. it’s so fucking accessible. yes, every time i eat delicious food i enjoy it and indulge so much in it and certainly appreciate it a lot. but after this, i will appreciate it that much more. 

like just today, i was at a restaurant. i could literally only eat 2 things: boiled vegetables, and edamame. lol. ive never realized how hard it is to be vegan. it is fucking hard. my diet is more extreme but yeah…only 2 things off the menu. and to my surprise, edamame got me fucking excited man. normally i would NEVER ever be excited about ordering something like that. but compared to the rabbit food ive been eating lately, edamame is like a gourmet steak or something with mashed potatoes on the side. 

yesterday i had some cashews. FUCKING AMAZING! normally, they would not really titillate my tastebuds much at all, but compared to salad, they were like little nuggets of gold in my mouth. so rich and sweet and creamy, even! 

honestly, im complaining beacause i’m going thru withdraw. like smokers quit cigs. i quit sugar. i was addicted to sugar, i swear. working at thierry, when i first started i thought everything was way too sweet and never ate anything. but like as time progressed, things started tasting better and better. i was conditioned to love sugar. and then things just started tasting amazing. it was crazy! and now, all of a sudden, i’ve stopped consuming sugar (other than in fruits). and not to mention all the other stuff like salt and carbs. so yeah my body is like WTF is going on!!! like, if it was one meal of salad, it would be fine. but ive been eating this for 3 days straight, and only this. 

also, it has just made me more aware of what i eat. it has forced me to plan ahead and think about what to buy and how to prepare it. yes, it’s just raw veggies, but i still had to plan that shit. it’s been really interesting too, becacuse when it comes down to it, this is the most basic form of food. pure, raw veggies and fruit. i know exactly what i’m eating. there are no preservatives, seasoning, extra flavourings or fats. nothing. i know exactly what i am conuming, and that aspect has been pretty cool. 

i think that is what i can take away from this the most. just to be more aware of what i’m putting in my body, because every little thing counts, whether i realize it or not. i cant wait to get to toronto and start planning my own meals, and cooking for myself. i definitely want to eat healthier, and i think i will. 

and yeah! so far i feel no health benefits. like im not more energetic or anything. my skin doesnt seem nicer. but it’s only day 3…im sure something like this takes more time. im not even sure if ive lost any weight. definitely not able to tell by the naked eye. 

anyway, it’s been interesting! and very challenging. at this point, i’m almost half way thru…which is like a really motivating point. at this part of the race, u feel like u’re more close to the finish line than the starting line. no point going back now! let’s just get to the end. 

tomorrow is my first day off in like 6 days. i will be able to eat cooked veggies, like steamed broccoli or something! and green beans. and maybe i’ll even make some edamame. so that will be great i hope. i know i said i originally would only eat raw veggies, but then i figured, what’s wrong with cooking them if it’s just steaming it. no calories there! so yeah. 

if u read thru all that…props. props. 

more later lol.

ok ok ok fuck. so again, leaving everything to last minute, as per usual.

so it’s like my last week in van. this whole entire month, ive been treating it like it’s my last days on earth or smth. I’ve had a vacation mentality… hanging out with everyone and eating out (trying new restaurants) like no tmr. i’m not taking anything for granted, i think that’s why i’m having a blast. but coincidentally, my plan to slim down for hawaii and philly and nyc and toronto have gone TERRIBLY. 

i have not worked out.

ive been eating a shitload a day.

i work at thierry and am surrounded by delicious cake and sweets everywhere. 

and i need to leave in 7 days. 

so fuck. here’s my new plan. 

and it’s the last straw. if this doesnt work out, im just going to accept that i will be a beached whale in honolulu. it’s all good. acceptance is key. 

but one last ditch effort and here it is: 

7 day diet

RAW FRUITS + VEGGIES + SEEDS + WATER (+ booze)

-spinach 

-bell peppers

-strawberries

-mangoes

-pineapple

-apples

-banana

-oranges

-cucumber

-watermelon

-avocado

-tomatoes

-broccoli

-green beans

-CHIA seeds

-grapes

-water water water

-booz booz booz *

*usually this wouldnt be included in such a diet…but i know it cannot be avoided! it’s my last week in van, cmon, who am i kidding. im going to drink. hopefully i pick healthy drinks. RED WINE ALL THE WAY. 

these are the veggies and fruits that i like to eat. notice how carrots and celery arent there? yeah cuz i hate them. not hate but u know. i actually enjoy those things listed, so im kinda excited. i just need some freaking will power. 

this is going to be one of the hardest things ive ever had to do i think!

but im kinda excited lol. kkk i’ll update u on how this goes! i think it’ll be rather interesting and entertaining, to say the least. wish me luck!

brb gon eat some cake while i still can! diet doesnt start till i wake up tmr!!

So, exactly two weeks before I take off. I don’t think i’ve ever been so excited to go anywhere. it’s not a giddy type of excitement though… more of a calm, collected, internal sort of excitement. 

I’ve said i want to move out over and over again for years now…but looking back, i was never close to being ready, which is why i probably never did it. I was constantly trying to get away from all my problems, as though changing my location would somehow change ME. As if flying away meant leaving everything behind and starting over. In retrospect, that woulda never worked out. Had i moved in that mindset, i woulda been the same miserable person as before, just in a different setting. I might’ve been even MORE miserable, since I woulda had nothing to rely on: no freinds, no family, no dog, no job, no money. I probably would’ve never seen the light of day lol. 

I realize now it’s not about starting over at all. rather, it’s about adding to whatever is already there. Building on top of a foundation. That was the problem though, I never had a solid foundation to begin with. It was ready to collapse onto itself at any moment, and had i put any pressure or weight on it, it would’ve tumbled down with effortless ease. 

I’ve never felt as ready as I have now. It doesnt feel like I’m running away from anything, it just feels like I’m taking my life somewhere better. In fact, it’s kinda funny, my life in van has never felt this good. This is probably the happiest I’ve been here, ever, and yet i’m leaving it all behind.  I don’t believe this is ironic, nor coincidental. It just feels right. Even though i’m really content with the way things are going here, I am so confident I can find it anywhere now. Because again, it’s not the location, it’s me. 

Nothing has changed really when I think about it, but at the same time, it feels like a lot has changed. Once I move I still will have no freinds, no family, no dog, no job, no money. But one thing that has definitely changed is my mindset and attitude. Everything is what we make of it. it’s crazy. 

I can’t really pin point why, but this just feels so absolutely right. 

Ahhhh I can’t wait!!

Less than 12 hours now to finish my essay. 

The whole adderall experiment has really fucked up my habitual nature of a normal human being. It kept me up till 9am…and i finally slept from 9-11. It really feels weird. Is this what it’s like to adopt a polyphasic sleep pattern? 

My past week’s schedule has been so fucked up:

Thursday night: 45 minutes of sleep.

Sunday night: 2 hours

Monday night: no hours so far. 

Course, i had some inconsistent naps in between. Friday and Saturday night weren’t too shab. but yeah my sleep has been so fucked lately.

The worst was Thursday night. I didn’t have any all-nighter helpers: no caffeine, drugs, not even like snacks, really. That’ really like putting urself thru hell. Usually I try and prepare myself for the long deadful night (oh that was a ligit typo but it seems fitting enough so not gon change it) but I honestly did not think it would take so fucking long to make a simple stop motion video. I guess I overestimated myself, as well as made the project a little too ambitious considering starting from scratch (beginning with the idea itself) at 7 pm the night before. So yeah IT FUCKING SUCKED. so much dread and stress and pain. I couldn’t even do it, so I haaad to take a 30 minute nap, which obviously extended to 45 minutes, which nearly got carried over to the whole entire day which woulda probably caused me to fail the course. I was seriously close to just staying in bed though. So much agony getting up after that nap, u don’t even know. 

Just made me think about how utterly soft, fragile, and weak the human body essentially is. Yes, it’s amazing…the ability for it to adapt and run even more smoothly than a brand new, well oiled Apple product is no small feat…but go 20 hour without sleep and everything just fucking shuts down. I cannot express how agonized and exhausted i felt…it was so bleak. so so bleak. Like nothing in the world at that point could motivate me more than sleep. That’s how badly my body needed it. The only thing I wanted to do in that moment was fucking crash. I guess at that point, you essentially start running like Windows 98… 

anyway i can go on and on about this. 

at least last night and tonight i had all-nighter aids. speaking of which, i need another coffee or redbull or something. can feel my brain slowing down. wasting it on tumblr. 

oh look. 11 hours to go. 

i regret nothing. 

partly cuz i wanted to feel the effects. 

and partly cuz i wanna finish this paper by tmr. 

so far it seems to be working, at least a little. mixed with placebo, of course. 

definitely not bullet proof, as u can see by me procrastinating on tumblr, but definitely has an effect for sure. 

it just feels like you’ve drank a lotta coffee. 

you still feel physically tired. like my eye lids are slowly becoming heavier. 

but ur mind is racing. my fingers are moving super fast. my typing speed has gone way up, because my fingers are trying to catch up with my brain. 

anyway i’ll be back later to update u on my status. lol

…to finish this presentation.

Think it went well. That picture is just one of like 100 slides. I made pretty much a stop motion video from these little drawings. each drawing has subtle differences from the previous and the following one. took me all fucking night. BUT I FINISHED.  

Kinda sad that this will be my last Art Theory class ever. 

Even though I hated art theory throughout my undergrad.

In fact it was probably my most hated course. 

It’s still sad though, when anything ends.